4. Freya's Diary: I stretched and stood. The fire had almost died. A little poker work and a few small logs soon had it blazing again. I poured vodka into a small glass on the table beside my chair and then reached to the bookcase beside the fireplace and took down the blue book. I had given it to Freya at the end of our first time together in the mountains of Hungary. She had written our story in it and sent it to her dear friend Sarah, before her work took her deep into the USSR. She had instructed Sarah to be sure that it eventually came to me, and so it did. It was delivered early in 1992, by hand, to my office. I had inscribed the fly-leaf: "To Freya, a friend always." In the body of the book I re-read my words: "My Dear Frey, I was going to use this book to write poetry but I have found a new friend - I think I will love this friend and so I will give her my book to keep. I hope she will write our story here. I hope it will fill these empty pages as her friendship has filled my empty heart. Go carefully, go safely Freya. Tony. '69. You are still asleep Frey. It is 1am and tomorrow I go. I could hold you like this for always. I will come back very soon - as soon as I can. I think I loved you from the moment you came towards me as I stood at the stove. I think we will be very great friends - I do hope so. With you so soft and fragile in my arms like this my world is good again. I hope I will make your life as good as I feel now. Wherever you are I will always be holding you - caring for you - loving you. When you sleep I will always be there holding you safe. I know you are hurting but I know you are very strong. I think you will do great things. I hope we will share some of them. I will hold you while you sleep and when I go my book will hold you always. I love you now Frey." I had held her through the night and later wrote more in our book: "It is 5am. What a deep sleep you are having Frey. I have been sitting here holding you in our bed all night just thinking what a surprise this all is. I thought I would not enjoy being here without a friend - and then you walked in that door. This has been the most amazing time of my life - the work - the girl! I have never known a girl so strong and intelligent and knowing so much about herself and the world. You have been through so much but it has only made you stronger. You are dreaming now and I am stroking you gently - you are a beautiful, wonderful person and I do love you Frey. When I go tomorrow I hope your work will be easier knowing I will return to you always. I don't know what our future will be but I know it will be much better because we have each other - I will wake you soon and gently love you so we can be ready for the radio at eight. Then we will have all day together before I go. I will sleep well all the way home. We will be wonderful together Frey. I'll hug you now." That was my last entry. On the next page Freya had placed a "Magyar Posta", a Hungarian postage stamp of 1969 in the top corner of the page. Below was an inscription in Czech, her native tongue. With the book I had received a neatly typed translation. "To the person reading this for my Tony. Thank you for doing this. Please do not feel bad about reading my diary. It is our story and I want my Tony to know it was so good. Thank you." After each of my visits Freya had written our story in the book. .................. March '69 A man has come into my life and his name is Tony. He has gone home now but will be back soon. This was his book but he has given it to me so I will write in it the story of this love. I have known no-one like him. He is so soft inside and sees so much of what people are thinking and feeling. Yet he is so strong and unafraid of anything, except perhaps of not being loved. He came to me with the team. He is the new one that we need for our job. He was good when we used him for the first time. I think he was afraid when we neared the border but he would not say it and he worked well and we were successful again. He is so much better than that other one who talks so much. Tony does not talk but does the job. He is 22 years and was married but is not happy with his choice of wife. I think she does not understand him or believe that he is good and cares about people. I think he married her only because he was so sad when his Suzyanne died. I think he is glad they did not stay married. The team came last week and I entered the hut and he was standing by the fire with a mug of coffee held to his cheek. His eyes looked on mine as I stood in the door. I could not take my eyes away..he held me so hard with his eyes. He is not like any of the others who come. They only want to use my body. They all want to use my body and I dislike them. My Jan was like this Tony. This Tony will be my new Jan I think. I think Jan would have liked him so much. His eyes could hold me. I walked to him and said "You must be the new one". He said "I could be anyone for you" and he smiled to me and his eyes did not leave mine. He made me coffee with vodka in it, I was so cold. He asked me many questions. I could not answer some. He speaks so gently and his eyes, they seem to care for my answers. We talked as if there was no-one else in the hut. We just stood and talked, oh so long and I was very warm with him. I wanted him to kiss me and he did it. So softly, so softly. Such a kiss with his whole body. We went to my room and he was slow. He caressed me as no-one ever did it. And after a long time we were without clothes and he took me so carefully. I wanted to die in his arms that night. I wanted the night to be for ever. Our job was at the mine and we left very early in the morning and we were so tired. He held my hand and then carried me up the hill. He is strong but then he dropped me.. I am not so heavy as he says! We did not say but I think he knew we were worried that the others knew we were coming but he did not say and he did not look frightened. I think he has learnt his job very well. It was as if this was not his first time. It was all right this time and I took him back to the hut by another way that I know. It was a long way and we kissed so many times. We slept in the day. I was in his arms. He lay so still and held me and I slept so long. I think this man will be so good for me. I need him so much sometimes. I need him now Jan, I hope you like him. Someone to hold in my thoughts for the bad times. I showed him how to pour the vodka onto a mug of snow. He will be a good vodka drinker I think. It is so good to have a proper man in the team and not always the others with their hands, so many hands on me. We did three jobs this time and it was well. Tony was good. He is quiet when he is working but such fun and silly when the job is done. He hid from me in the forest and then surprised me and took me against the tree. So hard and quick. I pretended to stop him but he is so strong. It was very full of the passion. Last night he held me so softly in our bed. I think he was awake all night to hold me. He is a very loving man I think. The team have gone now. Tony has gone home. I hope they will fly safely. I went in the truck to the plane. He kissed me hard and promised to come back. I did see the tears in his eyes. I think I love him and I think he loves me. So fast. But he is so different. He looks into my eyes and I think he is seeing right inside me. Please bring him back soon. .................. June '69 The team is coming tonight. Charlie says Tony will certainly come. I will die if he doesn't come. I hope he loves me. I hope it wasn't just dreaming, that last time. Ten more hours. So many weeks and now just some hours. I don't like this time. I won't write this time again. We are leaving soon. I am too frightened. .................. June '69 He came. He does love me. They came for only five days but it seemed like so long. I don't think I slept for more than one or two hours. It was so wonderful. It was warm and gentle and it was very frightening going to the airstrip. I couldn't watch when the door of the plane opened and some men came out. He came. Tony came and held me. He said nothing but I knew he loved me. He held me so hard and so long. We did not speak for nearly all the way to the hut. We saw the hut and Tony said "I think I'm nearly home now Frey." He calls me Frey and it sounds strange but I like it very much. I love him. I can't remember it all now. It was like a dream. A cloudy and hazy dream. Of his arms and his body. Our work. He was good again. It was good and we had no trouble. There were only three jobs and it was easy. I love him so much I wish his arms were around me for always. I hate it when he goes but his eyes tell me it is so good, that we will still be together in our hearts. His eyes so full of tears but so strong. He sees so much of me. I told him of '56 and he understood so much. I did not tell him of Mamma but he knew and he held me and he told me he knew what happened and that I did not have to tell him. He knew me. He knew me so much. I told only Jan but Tony knew. His eyes know everything. He held me and so much he wanted me to cry but I could not, even in his arms. I wish I did it but I couldn't. He cried for me in the end and it was good. What will I do. I can't ask him to stay. I have to do the work. I can't stop. I can't go with him. Tony says he will come to me for many years to come. He says he is finished with his wife. He says they are so bad for each other. But he did not talk of staying with us. I did not ask him. He told me of his life. He does not know his real parents. He says they left him for others. He has a sister who was not with him but he is looking for her. He told me about Suzyanne. I think he loved her very much. He cried and did not tell me very much. It was very sad and I held him so close. He wants to be loved. He likes to be loved. I wish we were always together. I don't know what to do. He cried when they left but I did not. This was a strange and sad and happy time. We are so good together. Tony knows what I am thinking and I think I know him very well. He does not hide anything I am sure. He wants to learn one of my languages but he is not so good at it. He is cross when I speak so many and it is easy for me. He is very funny when he tries it. They are gone and it will be many weeks until he is back. I am sure he will come back. We have many things to do so I hope I will be too busy to miss him as much as this. I am so tired I will sleep and dream of my Tony. He is my real love. .................. September '69 I am so tired tonight and I am glad to be back here and safe for a time. For the first time I was really frightened. Tony came and he stayed for three weeks and he saved my life. I know that man was going to shoot me. He wanted to kill me. I couldn't move and Tony was between us so fast and pulled me away and we fell down the hill. He was very hurt on his back. I was so frightened to lose him. I held him and held him and we got him back to the hut and in five days he was well. He is still very bruised and I think he was still very hurt when they went but he would not say. But those days were not good. He would not let me hold him very much. The job was very bad. We made a mistake with those people and Charlie shot one of them. It was very bad and such a mess. Tony was very quiet and looked after me so much. He would not let anyone near me and he did not sleep much but sat always near me and held me so much. We had a bad fright I think. He is so strong I don't think he was frightened of them but he was very fright- ened for me. I love him so much. I tried to ask him to stay but he knew and would not let me say it. He said it is not time. He said he knew I had to do my work. He knows why I have to do it. I'm sure he knows why but he does not say it. He looks into my eyes and he says it will be all right. He says we are so good for each other that everything will be good. I am so pulled in two ways. But he is right. I hate it that he is right because I just want to go to his country with him. He is strong and brave and gentle and he knows me so well. He cares for me so much. No-one has ever held me so close inside him. I think he will be back in just eight weeks. Just before he went I took Tony to the pathway beneath the trees where Jan died. We stayed all day and I told him everything. It was so good to say it to him. He was very quiet and gentle but looked into my eyes and stroked me and held me. When it got dark he kissed me for a long time and kept me warm. He is not afraid of my memory of Jan. He says I must keep a special place for Jan in my mind. I have a very special place for Tony in my mind. Tony saved my life and now we are so far apart but I can hear him talking to me. He is loving me now. I am so tired but Tony has made my life so good. It was a good time my Tony and I am glad you are safe and I will thank you in my dreams. I thank you for saving me. Our little book knows my Tony. It knows how much I love you and need you. Come to me soon my Tony. Tonight I am so sad and so happy too. .................. Yes, I saw the gun and certainly felt that he was about to pull the trigger and shoot Freya. There was certainly no bravery involved in my decision to intervene. Panic, more probably. I was never a truly brave person. My imagination always showed me every possible dire consequence in a dangerous situation and enabled me to avoid rather than embrace danger. From that day, however, every moment with Freya was precious to me because I think I finally accepted then that our time together would be limited. Limited by Freya's death or just by her need to move on and become more deeply involved in her work, the work which was her only answer to the violence and pain buried, not deeply enough, in her mind. For many days and nights I held her close, always within sight. My mind raced with plans and schemes, anything to enable us to live out our lives together. Try as I might I was unsuccessful. Any attempt to remove Freya from her world brought with it too grave a risk of failure, and failure would mean the destruction of our relationship and with it our love and our reason for living. When we finally spoke of these things we agreed that our love had given us an inner strength that nothing could diminish. We would carry that strength with us always, even when we inevitably parted, perhaps forever. .................. October '69 We are so busy now. We are doing some very good things and it is going well. I am home for tonight so I will write in my Tony's book. I think of him so much. My Tony has kept my body alive and my heart alive. It is weeks before he comes. I think this book is a sad place because I always write when he is gone and I come home here. It is a very nice sadness. I like it here with our book. .................. November '69 Tony came for one week. This was the best week of my life. I am so happy. He is gone home but I am still warm and happy and he loved me so many times. He was better from his injuries and his body is so good. He is strong and he makes my body do what he wants and it is so good I never want him to stop. We had four jobs and all were good and we were alone all the rest of the time and always without clothes and so much together. My body is still shaking from him. This was a time for lovers. I have never been loved as my Tony has loved me. So many ways and so many times. This week we did not talk very much. We were so full of passion with our bodies it was so peaceful. I feel so good and strong. I can easily wait for him now. Our work is going so well and my Tony, my real love will come to me again soon. I will love him so well. It is happy in our book today. Goodnight my darling man, my Tony who came to me from far away and saved me and loved me. You are in my heart tonight my real love. .................. January '70 I have to put you away safely now our little book. I am going to live away for some years not to return to this place and I will put you very safely away. When I return please let me have many stories to tell of times with my Tony. Please let us continue. Please. Please. It is not safe to take you my book, so you rest here and wait for me." .................. Despite our very close relationship, such was the nature of her work and her upbringing, that Freya did not tell me she was based somewhere else during this time. For four years I visited her every two months or so. The marathon flights simply a prelude to joy and intimacy. I felt so at home in the hut that my times in Australia became somehow unreal and dreamlike. During the weeks between my visits to Freya I did seek help in an effort to learn at least one of her languages, but to no avail. I had no memory for the sounds nor a flair for the structure. .................. February '74 Thank you, thank you little book. I am back and I did have so many times with my Tony. So many, many times. Such happy times. Always such happy times. I will not write of them little book. They are deep in my heart. My wonderful man knows of them. My real love has not let me down. He came and he came and each time he loved me so well. He held me and loved me and listened to me. He has made it possible to continue my work and it has gone so well. I could not have done it so well without the help of my real love. Each time he is so strong and sure and true to me. We went many times to the pathway beneath the trees and to our own tree. A tree so huge we could hide in it very high up. It was so safe in the arms of my Tony. His love is everything to me. We are together for such short times but then when he is away the time goes so quickly and he is back to me. We have decided he cannot come to stay and I cannot go with him but it is good. The decision is right. Sometimes in the night it is hard but I am so busy and often so tired it is all right when he is not with me. Many years ago now he saved my life. I am glad because I think our team has been very successful. They have given him a medal for saving me and the team that night. He has given me his medal to keep me safe. I am holding it now. I am happy. My Tony it is very nice to write in our book again. Perhaps when we are old I will give you our book, to remember the times we had. I can never forget a moment of them. I cannot imagine how my life could be if you had not come to me that night so many years ago. Your love has given more strength than I can ever say. The coffee with vodka, the warm bed and your strong body. I will never know how to thank you for giving me this life my Tony. A life so different to the one I would have had without you. So little book I am back and my Tony comes again to me in four days. I'll take you to my bed tonight and dream of my happy, happy four years or is it five years. Goodnight my real love, my own Tony. I love you so much. .................. April '74 I love him and I need him so much. I love him but I think I have to let him go. My Tony came to me this time for one week and then he went away but in one hour he came back. He came back and surprised me. He knew. He knew he was to stay six weeks. He knew. I was so angry. I tried to hurt him but he is so strong. So I kissed him. Oh what weeks. We had the hut for only us for eight days. For eight days we loved and talked. He is so kind and gentle and so strong and crazy. And now how can I let him go how can I do this. When he came he told me these things and we talked for one night and one day trying to find a way. To know what to do. He has to start a new life and he must decide between me and a new life in his own country. "We must decide this together Frey" he said to me. He cannot live alone in his country he needs to be loved.. He wants to come to me but if he cannot then he must find a new love. I know he loves me so much. I know he loves as much as I do. But we could find no way for him to come and stay with me. His place is not here. It could not be done. I could not do my work if he came. I must do the work. He knows and he does agree with me. He says too that I must stay and do this. What can I do. Please my real love I cannot do this. But I must. I knew this would happen but I do not want it now. I know we cannot go on forever. Soon I will not be in this team. I will probably have to go far away. And my Tony cannot keep coming to me. I must let him go. I must make it good for him. I cried for him our book. I cried when his plane was leaving. I will cry so much. He has made me cry. I hope I can tell him. He will try to come one more time. If only he will come one more time. I can write this no more. .................. June '74 I am back to write again in our book my Tony. You came my Tony. Thank you. Thank you with all my heart. I know it was so hard for you but you came to say goodbye to me. Goodbye to us. I tried to cry in his arms but only now I can cry with our book. He cried so much. Our hearts are broken but we did do the only thing. We will always have each other to love and to remember. We will never forget our times those wonderful times. We walked again to our pathway beneath the trees. We walked it slowly and he held me with his arms and his eyes and his body. We loved so desperately and so well. It was good but it was so sad. It is too hard to do this. He was so strong. I tried to be strong for him. I was not strong inside. Now I wish I could have cried for him. For my Tony one time. All my life I will cry for him now. We went to all our places and we said goodbye to the tree and to the mine and to the ridge on the border where we were always so afraid. We were not afraid this time. I will never be afraid again. He is gone. He came and he made me strong and he saved my life and he loved as no-one ever can. He said he will try to find a way to come but he does not think he can. He has found no-one new but he needs to. I know he cannot live without love. He will do what is good I think and he will not come back to me. There is not a way that we can be together now. I have chosen my work. I have to let him go. How can I let you go my only true love. My Tony. I am glad we talked and I think we understand each other well. We know we have no choice but it is not good. At this time it is not good to do this. What can I write in our book now. It is over. Our story is over I think. I can never forget you. .................. The following pages contained a letter to me, written in English. Freya's English was noticeably better in those days before her long sojourn inside Russia. She probably spoke little or no English for seventeen years and so her later letters were not quite so fluent. "November 1974 This is a letter to you, my Tony. I miss you so much. My Tony, I am writing to you in our book. The book you gave me. I did write our story in your book. I am sorry it is in Czech but that is my easy tongue. I am going far away now for a very long time. You could not come back. You did find some- one and I am so happy. You need to be loved well, my Tony. Charlie told me of your message and I am happy my Tony. I am glad that you are starting a new life. Yes, my Tony, I am happy for you because you gave me my life and you gave me my strength and you made me do my work. You let me do my work and I know it broke your heart to do it. It broke my heart too, my Tony. I am writing to you now because I will send this book, our book, to Sarah. I told you about her. She will try very hard to send you our book if I am dead. If I die, my Tony, I hope your book will come to you because I will love you until I die and then I want you to be sure of our love. I think our story is over but I want you to be very sure that it was good and you were my real love and you were the person who made my life what I wanted it to be. I want you to always know it my Tony. You were loved so well. I am sorry we could not be always together. I hope we were right to choose this, Tony. I hope it was right for you. I let you go because I love you. I know you thought the same. But it was hard for us, my Tony. It was so hard. I have your medal Tony. It will be in a safe place. I cannot take it with me but I do not want to send it with our book. I will keep it to come back to if I can ever return here. I wish I had written all our story in our book my Tony. I am sorry I could not come back here and write it all those years. But Tony they were so good. I can always remember everything of our times. All our times. I can remember it all and it will always be very strong in my mind. When I die my Tony you will be in my thoughts. I am frightened of my new job my Tony. I wish you were holding me. I will go because you have made me strong. I will go because you are in my heart. I hope I will do well for us. To make our decision be the right one, my Tony. I am so alone tonight but if you ever read this then please do not be sad. Please know that you made my life possible, that you gave me your strength and that whatever I do you are there with me holding me close and safe. Whatever happens my Tony, my real love, you are there holding me. I know that and I know your thoughts are with me tonight. I need you tonight and you are here. I must say goodbye my Tony. If you read this then think of me well. I will try very hard to talk to you again one day but it will be not possible for a long time. And now goodbye my real love. Thank you for knowing me and loving me. Thank you for my life. I hope I will do good things for you. I hope that if you read this you will be told good things of me. Thank you my Tony. Please do not grieve. Please be happy remembering our times. Please have a very good and happy life. Make our story be only happy, my Tony. How can I ever thank you. As you read this smile for me and drink some vodka for me and I will be crying for you. I will be somewhere crying for you. Please be happy my real love. You who gave me life. Your own Freya." .................. I closed the book and held it tenderly, as I gazed into the fire. I remembered the pathway beneath the trees, the wide avenue of Hungarian oaks providing living walls and roof for a pathway stretching many kilometres from the nearby village, around the mountainside and ending at a picnic area in the forest. The scene of death and of resurrection, the place where Freya lost all hope, and where she found it again. It must have been at about the time that she was writing the letter to me in her diary, late in 1974, that I was informed of Freya's death. The message said that she had been arrested and had killed herself and several secret police in a car bomb. I was shocked, but hardly surprised. Freya was certainly totally committed to her quest for freedom and human rights. Yes, it was possible that she would do this thing. The agency was clever, I believed their story and did not try to contact Freya again. For the next seventeen years my life was busy with love and business affairs, but I was unsettled, for I continued to grieve for that wild girl. We chose to part, to go our separate ways but somehow death was too final, it left one with no options, no hope. In the back of the book I had placed four letters, I took them out and unfolded them, slowly. ------------------------------------------------