5. The Letters. The memories are so vivid. My first meeting with Freya, more than twenty years ago, our many times together, the news of her death, and then after seventeen years of thinking she was dead the phone call from my friend, Jemma, to say that Freya was alive and had written to me. Jemma, who was now head of the intelligence agency for whom I had worked in Europe. Freya's letters after seventeen years of silence. I remember it well as I sit here in front of the fire, reading her last letters over and over. As if, somehow, it could all be changed. The letter from Jemma, the last three letters from Freya. It seems like a lifetime but it was only six months ago, that warm, balmy morning when the young man arrived at my office with the large envelope. It contained two letters. I did little work that day. The first letter was type written. 5th March 1992. Tony, This letter for you was hand-delivered this morning, so I'm sending it on to you; sorry we had to read it: you know the rules. I love my job here (the one you got me) so don't publish this in the papers or anything! Please! I know where Freya has been Tony. She really had no choice. Leave your reply to Freya at the bookshop. I'm sure you remember the bookshop! You will reply won't you.. My love and best wishes, Jemma. The second was carefully hand-written in script on calligraphy paper. My Tony, my love, You saved my life and I have done this to you. I am sorry. I am sorry. An opportunity came and we had to go Tony. I hope you know me and you understand. I am so happy that I can at last write to you. I hope you did not grieve too long. Charlie told me you could not come back because you had made an arrangement with your new friend. You did the right thing Tony. Your place was not here. But I did cry for you. Not in your arms as you wanted. But I did cry. It has gone very well and we are pleased. We have more to do but things are much better now, where I am. My life has been happy but sometimes certainly some difficulties. You know I can say no more. They will read our letter. (Hello you who should not be reading our letter.) Yes I think you want to know about the love. For many years I lived with a Rushki. I loved his body but not the man so much. We were good. He was killed in a war. I did not grieve him a lot and now I have several man friends which is satisfying me well. Our job is usually most busy so the love is not as important as it was in sixty-nine! I hope your love is good now Tony. Oh I do remember those years. You came to me only nineteen times in five years. But oh the times I remember. Do you remember when I entered through the door on that first night. Our eyes were held. I said "You must be the new one?" You said "I think I could be anyone for you!" And the bed, so quickly. A few hours and you were in my arms. Tony it was so good. I remember all our words that night still. The first time we went to the mine for the meetings. We walked five kilometres back to the hut and they thought we were lost. We were lost with each other Tony. I still have your medal Tony. You said I would lose it. I have not. You saved me then. I can still see very clearly the gun of that man coming to shoot me. I can feel you on me and we are falling down the hill into the snow and the bushes. I can feel your heart beating as we waited and waited for so long for it to be safe again. And your back. I thought you might die and it would be my fault. But it was all right at last. Do you remember the eggs? You put yourself in our room and put the eggs on the chair so that I could not open the door and come to love you. Your back had too much pain. Remember the big one. Was it Jake? He thought he would have me because you could not. Ha ha. I think he was not happy when you got better. Do you remember these things still my Tony? Do you come to me in your dreams? When you came to me you would cry. When you left me you would cry. Do you still cry so much? I did cry in the end you know. You did make me cry. I would like to feel your heart beating again. I am sad and foolish tonight. Do you sometimes think of what it might have been if you had come to stay with us. I do it sometimes. And I do cry then. We did the right thing. Both of us I think. I so much hope your life has been very happy. Do you remember the time you stayed for six weeks. We had the hut alone for one week. Oh what a time that was. How fast can you drink the vodka now my Tony. Not so fast I think. I always think to return to that time and I would be always so happy. But life is good Tony. I am happy with the things I have decided. I think if you came to me again it could not be so good as it was. I think we will not try. But please, please write to me and tell me that you remember as well as I do. That you remember our times. That you forgive me for tricking you so badly. They tell me you will have my letter in one week and that you can reply. That we can write again. I am frightened. I was not kind to you. But I know you loved me well. I remember now the sunsets. Together in our tree. Do you remember our tree. I said we could never fall down. We could still be in our tree. In my dreams we are sometimes still together in our tree. Together. Oh, I am getting too sad my Tony. I hope you sometimes get so sad. It is good to remember. And now I will have some very small vodka and say goodnight to you for the first time after seventeen years. Is it so long? I will say goodnight to you and I will say that I love you still. And I will hope that you love me too. Write to me my Tony. My real love. Write to me that you remember too. Your love who remembers, Freya. A letter so unexpected, but oh so welcome! It confirmed the reality of our love. It had not been a casual affair, exaggerated in my mind over time. Of course I forgave her! I felt sure that she had not known of the deception. Higher powers had decided her death needed to be faked. I could only guess at the reasons. I replied immediately. Ten pages typed on my computer. Next day, I delivered it to the book store, the only remaining link with my past. Freya's reply was hand-delivered ten days later. Again the careful script, the beautiful paper: My Tony, I am so happy now. I am sitting here with your letter and you do forgive me, and you do remember me and our times. All your news is wonderful to hear. I am so happy about your new friends. Your letter has very happy news. You have done so many things. I have too done many things that I think are good. I wish I could tell you many things. We did make the right decision all those times ago. I am glad that you did understand me. I was so hoping you would know me well. I am sorry you grieved for me. I am sorry. So you have not forgotten our times. Those happy times. I am glad you remember so much of them. I am glad you love me still. No I do not think I have forgotten one thing. I think you have forgotten some my Tony. I think you do not remember what I called you when you chased me with the pan of food and into the bathroom. Do you remember what happened to you! I will not tell you now. Yes I do remember when you tricked me and said goodbye and then came back in one hour to stay for five more weeks. I remember that I was very angry and that I was nearly as strong as you. Perhaps I would be strong enough now my Tony. Today was the day that I was to visit a man friend. We would spend the day and the night together. He is good for me. Today your letter came to me. So today I need no man friends. He is not happy but today you are my friend again and I love you still. You are good for me too after all this time. With your very loving letter I can hold you in my arms again as we did many times. I can feel your heart beating again with mine. I can see you holding coffee to your cheek beside the fire. Do you still use the steam on your glasses to hide from an embarrassment? This is a strange time for us my Tony. We are lovers yet we love others also. We are friends who cannot hold hands. We are so close I can hear your voice again but I cannot touch you. We know each other as well I think as any other yet we do not know how each day will be for the other one. I do not know your clothes or how your hair would be. You say your office is a nice one but I cannot imagine how it would be. Can you see our places when you gaze out your window in the evening? When I am tired and have worked too much without love I think I can see you come to the door again my Tony. I can see you coming to sit at my fire. You say you have some grey hair now. You must be very handsome I think. My hair has not changed. My body has not changed too much. I do not feel old yet. No I do not ski so much. I am in the towns mostly. I do some hard exercises on many days still. My body is not too soft yet. Sometimes I think this is a hard time for us my Tony. But yes I think the telephone would be too hard for us now. I think I would not be good. It would be very difficult. But to hear your voice! I am a very bad girl my Tony but did you once think of me when you loved your woman friends? I do not know these things about you. I am glad you have found some women to love. You always liked to love a woman my Tony! Yes I am happy at most times. Sometimes when the sun is setting I think of our times in the evenings and I am sad but it is still a happy time for me. Yes I think we are lucky to be so happy when many are sad. I think we are lucky to have our times to return on sad and lonely nights. And now when I think about our times I will know that you love me still. That you also think of me. That you sometimes put your arms around me. I am sitting on my bed with your letter and you have come back to fill up the empty place that was in my heart for you when we were so much apart for so many years. I am sorry my Tony. Thank you for knowing me and for returning to me. My happiness is very warm and good. I will dream of you tonight. Again I will return to that place which is only ours and to the pathway beneath the trees and into all the places where you held me and the places where you cried and I would not. I do cry for you now my Tony. Please write to me still my Tony. Yes it is good that we made the right decision my Tony but it is also good that we are again friends. Such strong friends I think. For my one real love, Freya. Before I could reply another letter came, this time in the mail. The last letter from Freya. The postmark said Austria. This one was typed with Freya's signature at the end: My Tony my real love, I know we promised never to write directly to each other for the danger but I must do it now. I am at a work place and I must risk to write this. I have no time for my nice writing and you could not read my fast writing in your English. I found from Charlie when I returned here that you were told that I had died when you left them. I did not know this my Tony. I drank one bottle of vodka and was very sick. I was so angry my Tony. My real love I am sorry. I am very sorry. I could not write this in the letters that they would read so I must write only to you. I will send this to Sarah and she will post it far from here. When I return I will talk with Sarah to find a place for you to write directly to me. I tricked Charlie and have your address. He was drinking. He drinks very much now. I love you so deeply and I have thought of you every day since you came back so many, many years ago to say goodbye to me. I have been inside that country and my work was very successful. We have helped many people my Tony. I have a place of trust now and I can still do many good things. It is so much easier here now but still I have a lot to do. I am home for a holiday and then I go for the last time tomorrow and when I return I will live somewhere near here I think and continue with some work but not so hard as it has been. But I would not have gone if I had known they would tell you this. My Tony I could not hurt you. You gave me my life and your strength has made me do my work. When you came to us that first time in sixty-nine I think you know I was ready to stop. I could not continue with my life and my sorrow. You came my Tony and you knew me so well and you healed me so that I was not broken and I was strong and I did continue. You left me so that I could do my work and I know it hurt you and I love you so much for doing this for me. It was right I think and I think I have done good things for you. It has also hurt me that you can not come to me that we are not together. I know it is not possible. My real love I would give away anything to spend tonight in your arms. Do you remember that first time when you stayed awake all night to hold me in your arms because you were to go home the next day. I remember it. I awoke sometimes to feel your arms. I was so safe. I have been always safe my Tony since you have come to me. You have been inside me every day and every night of my life. I have loved no man as I have loved you my only true and real love. I would come to you tomorrow if it was possible but I know it would hurt you more and we could not be as we were on the pathway beneath the trees. It is a bad life that we must hurt so much to have some real love. I can find no way to comfort you and to make it right your sorrow for seventeen years. What can I do for you my real love. I can tell you to be so sure that our love is real and that you did a most good thing when you loved me and you cared for me. You knew me and you healed me and you saved my life. I have come home to your medal for the first time since you left and it is on my body now. When I touch it I touch your body and I smile and I remember all the times we had. I am on a holiday for the first time and I live in my little room in what you call Miskolc where I used to come when you had gone and cry and wait for you to return. So many memories of you my love. I am close again to where we had our times and it is good. Do you remember the time we went to the town and you tried to buy me a gift. You could not get the words and the woman became very cross. You were very red in the face then my Tony. I did not save you I was laughing too much. I think you needed the steam on your glasses that day my love. Every memory is so good my real love. The memories have kept my life happy and safe. You have done such a good thing to love me. Your letter is so full of that love and I thank you for it. When I found that you thought I had died I was so afraid you would no longer love me and know me. I have never been so frightened my Tony. I did not eat food until your letter came to me. I have read it one hundred times already. You have made me happy with your happy life. We have both been successful I think. But to have lived a life together. I cry so many times when I think of this. It is not fair my Tony. But to have not met you and loved you. I would not have lived this life if you had not come to me. So I am content. I would write to you always my Tony and I will write another letter to give to Sarah as soon as I can. I know I should not do this but I must. I hate them because they have hurt you and I will not let them read my letter again. Do you remember the book you gave to me with the poem you wrote to me and your poem to Suzyanne. I wrote our story in your book and I sent it to Sarah when I went away all those years ago. I cannot get it back but I hope one day it will come to you my Tony. It was a good story my real love. Our story was so good. You were so gentle to me. I have stayed out of bed tonight to write to you my real feelings my Tony. I love you now as I have loved you from our first time together. I thank you with my heart for your strength and your love. I am so sorry you were hurt by me. You saved me and I would give my life for your happiness. Please love me for always my Tony. When I return to live here I will go again to our places and it will be sad but I am sure I will see you and hear you in all our places. I will go to our tree. I will walk on our pathway and remember about Jan and how you saved me from my sorrow. I will remember your kisses that night and I will go to where you saved my life and where you were so hurt. It will be good to see it all again. I must leave here now my Tony. I do not know what to say my real love. I want to hold you and love you and tell you of my love for you. I will write again. Goodnight my real love, Freya. Yes, now I could see how reserved her first two letters had been, the letters she knew the agency would read. This letter showed the real passion of the girl I had known and loved. ------------------------------------------------